To Begin, Again

 I haven't written anything in a long time. Nothing of value at least.

It could be argued that nothing that I've ever written is of value, but that discussion might be better held at a different time. The point is that I feel compelled to begin again. To begin writing. To begin drawing. To begin creating music. Any of the creative processes that I've enjoyed in the past. Anything to minimize the mental feedback that resonates through my soul at the moment.

Looking back, I see that my reasons for not writing were rather foolish. Truly, there was but one reason. I felt that it was arrogant of me to assume that anyone would care what I have to say. There seemed to be no purpose in creating something for no one to see, yet it made me uncomfortable to share my thoughts with anyone other than myself because I was afraid that people would think that I thought my thoughts were important. So, for almost two years the creative urge has been silenced. I have read what others have written, enjoyed the art work of others, and, oddly enough, quit listening to music almost all together. Anything creative that may have come up inside me was simply turned inwards; thus the mental feedback.

So, here I am, with my laptop and my thoughts, wondering if there is a point to this. Maybe that wondering is the point. I can't say for certain that my purpose in life is to be a writer, but maybe I feel this need to wrestle with my thoughts and then write them out so that I can stay within sight of my own sanity. It could be that God designed me to sit on the brink of lunacy so that I can document the experience of staring into my own mind. Then, if some other poor soul happens to stumble upon what I have seen, they may learn that lunacy is universal; that we all go a little crazy when peering too closely at ourselves.

So it is not arrogance that leads me to write, draw or play music. It's self-preservation. Whether, or not, anyone else experiences the fruit of my insanity is irrelevant; the point is simply to create it. Whoever will be led to it will be led to it. Whoever will benefit from it will do so. Whoever will think that I have created garbage will still be affected in some way. The point is that it's time to turn my thoughts outward and eliminate the feedback.

Honestly, the noise in here is making me crazy.